warning: this is pretty much a cheesy ass story. ok, bye. haha ;]

i recently felt the “magic” of christmas, a feeling that i cannot even remember the last time experiencing.

<- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  rewind to the past

as a child, i remember going to my cousins’ houses for sleepovers. one thing that we always did was show-off our brand new shiny toys. we knew how to put on that infomercial act  by showing a toy’s tricks, how it worked, what it did, and demonstrating it’s worth. the big question always came up time and time again: “Who gave it to you?” and the response was always: “…Santa!”

i don’t know exactly when i stopped believing in St. Nick, but i knew it was at a very early age. i do remember being a nieve adolescent and kneeling in front of my fireplace as if it were some ethereal alter of worship. with hands in rosary mode, i would recite a “prayer-like” verse to that jolly old elf of all the things that a little boy could ever want: toys, toys, and more toys (not clothes, ewww).

i think it was some little prick in elementary school (probably 1st grade) who finally spilled the beans and told me the shocking truth… that it was all a lie, that my parent’s were playing some prank on me every year, and that putting milk and cookies on the mantle was, indeed, a foolish thing to do because you allowed good milk to spoil and cookies to bring in ants into your home.

this was something that i felt needed to be shared and so i set out on a mission to alert children alike of this practical joke that was Santa Clause. i told everyone… but if my memory serves me right, most of my peers didn’t believe me and i was made out to be some dramatic lunatic.

regardless of the whole santa issue, christmas was always a special time for me. the decorations, the lights, the music, the family… all essential to making an ideal christmas, all crucial in creating that holiday warmth in your heart. the only iconic christmas symbol that never meant much to me was Santa.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > fast forward to the present

so we’re christmas shopping @ sunvalley mall. i’m waiting outside the bathroom when i see a plump, elderly man with a (real) full, white beard and moustache, half-moon glasses, in a track suit and gym bag. i found myself intrigued with this character and it didn’t even hit me who he could be until a few seconds later.

he strolled merrily down the walkway heading towards the elevator, the same elevator that i needed to use. as we proceeded to the bottom floor, he winked at me and a couple kids and had the friendliest smile that you could ever imagine. my friend bekka looked @ his gym bag and embroidered in gold cursive was “Santa Clause.”

i felt like a kid again. i was giddy. i was smiling with joy and couldn’t contain myself. sure, he was just an old guy who took pictures @ a shopping mall, but for those few moments, i believed in Santa again. i now could celebrate the most wonderful time of year with a new appreciation for a character who millions of children continue to believe in and write letters to with hopes for a better tomorrow.

HO HO HO ;]

“you and me could write a bad romance…”

the past is supposed to remain the past, right? i would think so, since there’s a past, present, and future. three completely seperate entities that aren’t supposed to cross into each other, for if they did, it would make it impossible for each one to exist. that’s a logical way of looking at things, but unfortunately, i’m sure several people can agree that on more than one occasion, the past found a way to drag itself to the present, which then affected your future, which in itself is a complete FAIL.

i hate [missing] people from the past. i’ll be going about my day and just randomly, someone will come across my mind. my heart flutters, i feel a tad warm, and all the while my brain is shrieking “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING! STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT.” i then shake my head, grasp reality, and continue on with the rest of my day.

don’t get me twisted, though. these little happenings in my head are simply mere lapses of clear judgement. they linger for a few minutes and then dissolve into nothing. my only complaint is that they have to show up at all. for once, i would love to completely get over a guy and leave it at that. nothing more, nothing less. well, let me take that back, because i have been able to magically erase people from my life and have their memory not phase me one bit.

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one thing that i’ve slowly been learning to do is control my feelings for people. an ability that i have been very proud of actually. for instance, there will be a guy in my life who i deem to be a polar opposite with no attraction or growth for attraction. then out of nowhere, i’ll fall head over heels for this poor sap and revolve my world around him. for a few rounds, i’ll become awkwardly emo because of the one-sideness of it all, and then as if nothing ever happened, one day… i just cut him out of my life.

people tend to think that this is a harsh tactic, when in my eyes, i feel that i’m very justified in my reasons for such a maneuver. sure, i can’t control who i like, but i’ve also found that i can control where things are going. if i see that things aren’t going in a favorable destination, i change my course with a snap. what does that involve? stop hanging out. stop texting. limit conversation if you’re in an evironment where you’ll eventually talk. and BAM! you find yourself fully recovered and able to function again.

i think the problem that most of us have (a problem that i just solved early this year) is that even though we say we’re so ready to move on, we’re really not. you say you want to meet new people. you say that you want to find someone who is worth your time and energy, and yet you allow yourself to wallow in this deep pool of unnecessary self-pity. you’re never going to get over someone if you don’t change anything about the type of relationship you had.

if you hung out all the time and you still hang out, BAD MOVE.
if you texted him like crazy and your thumbs still hurt cuz you just texted him, BAD MOVE.
if you’re constantly making plans together, BAD MOVE.

i could go on and on, but i’m sure you can catch my drift. most of us do these things because we secretly enjoy the fact that it’s not being reciprocated. we fill our own heads with ideas of “he’s just playing hard to get” or “maybe he’ll come around soon if i wait it out” and the only one who is getting hurt is you. he’s not getting hurt. he’s on the winning side of things and most of it is due to the fact that he still gets to get all of your attention without having to make any committments.

needless to say…
have dignity, have pride, be choosy in your romantic life, and never ever settle. understand that you should never have to work hard to get someone to like you. feelings and emotions should work on their own without extra guidance on your own behalf. i’m not trying to pride myself as some “love guru”, however, i will take pride as a person who remains hopeful in true two-sided romance.

PREFACE
This is an old blog that I had orginally written November 28, 2007.
In the recent aftermath of my fallen friend DEREK TJON,
I feel it very necessary to repost it now.
I will post a brand new blog for Derek when I can bare it.
I miss you tons, dear friend. You have no idea what you meant to us.

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Fallen Friend - 11.28.07

So for the past half an hour or so, I’ve been looking through random profiles of friends.
Some I’ve seen recently, some I haven’t seen in years.
I came across a certain friend’s profile.
I ended up reading one of her blogs about a fallen friend.
Lately, within the past few months it seems, there have been a lot of people who’ve lost their lives.
A lot of young souls who were needed by God a little too soon.
At least too soon for us to grasp, realize, and even understand.
Too soon for us to want or need.
It’s sad for me when I log into Myspace and am greeted by bad news.
I cringe when I see the three letters RIP on a bulletin title.
I empathize with those who actually did know those who recently passed.
I can’t even begin to understand what you went through and felt.
I pray for you and your lost loved ones.
One of my biggest fears is the fear of death.
Not necessarily of mines, but of those I love.
I do not know what I would do if I lost any of my loved ones.
You see for me, all of the death I’ve ever encountered were of those who I wasn’t really close with.
Not to say that their passing did not sadden me, or effect me, because they all did.
I’ve had my share of tears.
I’ve had my duties of selecting a black outfit to wear.
I’ve had reality slap me in the face at a viewing,
or as we’re driving to the cemetary.
I have felt pain. I still do at times.
I know we all want to be optimistic and try to remain happy and celebrate their lives.
At least, that what we hope for.
I mean, I believe we would all rather CELEBRATE one’s own life,
than to MOURN the loss of a life.
But it seems we do the latter more often, and that’s okay.
For some of us, it’s just what we need and it helps with the grieving process.
I began to cry reading her blog though.
I didn’t think it would have had such an effect on me, but it did.
I remember having a discussion about Myspace and death with a friend.
About how it’s sad to view a person’s profile who passed away.
It hurts to see that the last time they logged in was the day of their passing.
All of this stirs up a lot of questions in me.
It makes me think about what impression we have on people.
What impression would we leave behind?
How would we last be remembered?
Did we have an impact on anyone’s life?
Did we make anyone proud of us?
And then I get to myself and I ask the same questions.
I would hope that I would be remembered for my love of life.
That I loved laughing and tried my hardest to make those around me laugh.
I would hope to be remembered for always being myself, without fail.

We all have to cherish the life that was given to us.
Not only cherish our lives, but cherish the lives around us as well.
We need to remember that the memory of a well spent life is eternal.

Yes, we do need to celebrate the lives of those who went on to a better place.
But even more so, we need to celebrate the lives that are still here.
I would hope that you celebrate my life as I celebrate yours.
Rest in Peace to all those who have gone into the pearly gates.

JUST THOUGHT I’D POST THIS OLD ASS BLOG.
It was originally posted on myspace on April 12, 2008.
I may write a new one about the subject, but until then… here’s this

One realization to take into consideration sooner or later is…
1) People are going to piss you off no mater what

Hate me because I’m a moody bitch, sometimes.
Hate me because I’m from Vallejo.
Hate me because we have a different taste in clothing.
Hate me because I may have something that you want.
Hate me because I’m gay.

It’s interesting how so many people in this world want to fight for equality.
I’m sorry if you haven’t realized it yet, but things are NOT equal.

Earlier yesterday, I finally received my benefits package from Six flags, and as I was going over it, I got to the part about sharing my benefits with family, and one thing that caught my attention was a little check box which read something like: CHECK HERE IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO ADD A SAME SEX DOMESTIC PARTNER. Excuse me, but that sounds so unbelievably unattractive.

How would you feel if you were introducing your loved one to new friends or maybe family and you told them “Hi, everyone. I’d like you to meet my same sex domestic partner, Ethan!” That’s some B.S. right there, and it’s not fair that gay people, like myself, are reduced to some recycled, thrift store term to define our life partners. It may seem like I’m overreacting over some stupid name, but it means a lot to me to rightfully call my future husband just that, my husband.

I’m no activist. I’m no picket holding, rally coordinating, gay pride banner carrying, homosexual; however, I still become incredibly hurt and disgusted when people choose to hurt you with the most personal thing they can find to make you upset. They want to pick you apart and point out the one thing that they know will break you. It’s easy to say to just ignore them, or to get over it, but when someone hates you for something that you can’t change about yourself, it’s going to hurt and it may even tear you apart.

The most we can do is try to let their words go in one ear and out the other. We can’t give in to their ignorance, because if we do, we are letting them win the battle, and I don’t know about you, but I get pretty irritated when ignorant people come out as champions. I’m a true believer in karma and I firmly believe that those who choose to push down the already fallen get it twice as worse in the end.

UGGHH! …and would people stop using the term “GAY” as a negative connotation, and for you dumb asses who have no flipping idea what a negative connotation is, it’s when you want to describe something as “sucky” or “dumb” or “bad.” For example:

GIRL: “Looks like I can’t go to your house tonight…”
BOY: “What? That’s hella gay!”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
BOY 1: “Dude, I think you got cut from the varsity basketball team”
BOY 2: “FUCK NO! That’s freakin’ gay as hell, man.”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TEACHER: “I’m sorry to say that you failed your final exam”
STUDENT: “GAYYYYYYYYYYY…”

Get the picture? It’s not very nice to give something the label of “gay” when you want to say that something is bad. Doing things like that gives everyone else the OK at perceiving the gay lifestyle in a negative view. No, it is not okay! It is something that easily irritates me, and sorry to say, but me being irritated is definitely NOT OKAY. Do me this favor. Think about what you say before you say it. Realize that the things you say can ultimately have a bad effect on those whom you speak with.

it’s finally starting to feel like FALL :]

the trees got this down pretty good.
when the weather gets cooler, they know just what to do.
they know that it’s ready for change.
leaves start changing colors right before your eyes.
that’s when they start to separate themselves,
and eventually, they are able to detach and fly away.

in a similar fashion, i am ready for such a metamorphosis too.
once again, i find myself seeking, yearning, and needing change.
i’m craving it and hoping that i am ready for it, once again.

there are so many things that i’m ready to detach myself from.
i am sick of feeling stuck in all these different facets of life.

it’s crazy to me looking back exactly a year ago and realizing
that not much has changed, at least, not the way i would have wanted.
the things that i allowed to drive me crazy, are still driving me crazy.
realizing that hurts, like a sharp pain shooting through my brain.
how could i have let 365 days pass and still have allowed myself to tread
in these same shallow waters?

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“foolish <3 hear me calling, stop before you start falling.
foolish <3 heed my warning, you’ve been wrong before.
don’t be wrong anymore…” - journey

foolish doesn’t even begin to define the inner workings of my heart.
how about retarded? ignorant? gullible? weak? simply put: stupid?
yeah. those all sound about right.

i wish my heart could be more like my brain.
being a little bit more logical and analytical would help avoid feeling
so empty in the middle of the night.
to use logic and to analyze the guys that i fall for and to use common
sense would be awesome, but alas, my heart is beyond foolish.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i’m wishing for a lot of things,
and i wish i didn’t like you.
but unfortunately it seems to me,
none of my wishes come true.

there are no possibilities,
no happy endings in the end.
there will be no relationships,
i’m only meant to be your friend.

i wish i didn’t like you,
or at least to be on the other side.
i wish i didn’t like you,
damn’t, i think i just lied.

I’m chasing another pavement,
a road to nowhere it seems.
Yet again I’m stuck wondering,
Where is the guy of my dreams?

I’ve fallen for losers and bums,
a couple straight ones too.
And all seem to say the same thing,
“I just can’t see myself with you.”

I’m cursed with some sick affliction,
or a disease with no cure or fix.
‘Cuz the same thing keeps on happening,
Dejavu all up in the mix.

I end up liking guys who are into girls,
or guys, or both sexes I guess.
But everytime I fall in like or love,
it ends up being a big ol’ mess.

Being a real hopeless romantic,
is fine when you’re taken and not alone.
Like when he sends you cute lil texts,
or calls to say “I love you” on the phone.

I’m trying to remain hopeful,
To focus on myself is key.
But it’s hard to keep on doing that,
when it seems the problem is ME.

Earlier today, as we packed the truck to head back to Vallejo from our camping trip at Lake Don Pedro, I heard a familiar tune blasting from one of many trucks parked at the campsite. Songs of Lea Salonga permeated the air and instantly made me belt out Tagalog lyrics, a language of my own heritage that I can’t even understand.

Sure, I can do my best karaoke imitation of a Filipino song and still know nothing about what is really being sang about unless someone actually translates. I’m not sure if it was “Nandito Ako” or “Bakit Labis Kitang Mahal,” or both of them, but when one played, and as I sang along, my friend’s mom became irritated by the same lyrics that I had no idea the true meaning.

“Ughh. To love someone who loves someone else! That’s B.S. How stupid? Why would you love someone who loves someone else when there are so many people in the world? Who does that?!” she exclaimed.

I was about to respond when one of the aunties beat me to it.
“Everyone.” she said, and that was it.

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Damn.

originally posted: august 22, 2009


“I wanna runaway and never say goodbye,
I wanna know the truth, instead of wondering why,
I wanna know the answers, no more lies,
I wanna shut the door and open up my mind”

-from “Runaway” by Linkin Park

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It’s funny to me that I throw people off when I’m not bouncy. Bouncy as a mood is quite hilarious to me. I lightweight laughed when I first saw that it was an available mood on myspace for the first time. (note to self: damn, what the hell ever happened to myspace? Haha) For example, just today, I was simply walking around the area at work and one of my employees simply asked me how I was doing. I replied with a simple and forced “okay.” I guess she was on to my poor act and questioned why I wasn’t so happy, so regular/normal Edsel, so perky, so… what’s the word again, awww yes… soooo BOUNCY?

The thing is, in reality, I’m not this super duper friendly, smile machine that people associate with my personality. I mean, I’m like that at some points of the day, but like the weather, my moods are constantly changing. I feel sorry for those around me, because I know that I can be a bitch if I want/need to be. Usually, though, I’m good at regulating that bitchiness and not letting it slip into overkill drive. I have a pretty good schedule of moods too, unless for some reason, it is pulled off course because of the actions of other people. Usually though I can be as follows:

Morning: grouchy ( not a morning person, sorry)
Noon: irritated
Afternoon: happy, okay, hyper, BOUNCY, fine
Evening: calm, chill
Twilight: delusional, trippy
Nighttime: emo
(repeat cycle)

As people have began noticing, these past few days, I’ve been lacking this supposed innate bounciness. I guess I’m at a point where all I need is to get away. I just need some time where I can meet new people and find some new sources of happiness to bring more of those usual afternoon moods and spread ‘em across the rest of the day.

I want to not worry about work or the people there.
I want time for just me and only me.
I want to go out, drink, and not have to think about the next day, at all.
I want to stop complaining about certain people and their awful habits.
I want a fresh new start. (in several different aspects, please)

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Most of these wants revolve around a place that I have become all too familiar with forming a hatred for. I remember a time when all I wanted was to get this promotion, when I was passionate about what I did, what I was doing, and what I had yet to do. Looking at my current state, it’s crazy to believe I’m in the same place. I catch myself building resentments and easily becoming irritated with people because maybe I see them on a too much regular basis time frame, one that is not healthy or recommended for anyone.

It’s funny because I always say that one of the reasons I stay where I’m at is because it’s so “comfortable” and yet each day I’m there, I find myself becoming more and more uncomfortable. Sure it’s a secure job, I have benefits, and I’m pretty much in control of my everyday activities, and yet, I’ve come to find several factors that make it not worth it. If bills and rent did not exist, I would never sacrifice my sanity and happiness for the mere coverage of such things, but I am at a loss when I see so many others struggling to support themselves, all in all, losing their sanity and happiness too.

It’s when I realize that, that I know no matter what, I’ll still be okay.
I have a couple plans for myself though.
Plans that could add more bounciness into my life again.
I can only hope for the best and work for a better tomorrow.

Who knows? Maybe if I log into myspace one of these days (myspace? What’s that?), that maybe soon I’ll be able to choose my mood as “bouncy.”

I remember my psychology teacher telling me that everything we go through is a choice. That may be true, but of course, it’s much easier to choose an online mood than it is to change your life.

originally posted: april 28, 2009

There is a thin line between being naïve and being hopeful.

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I guess it depends on what you’re hoping for, does it not? A guy who sits at home, waiting to win the lottery could be looked at as being naïve, but to him, he’s OVERLY hopeful. Maybe that was a bad example. For me, I tend to have a hard time setting the boundaries of those two different realms. I’ve had a tendency to be in two places at once, so being naïve and hopeful have become quite natural states for me to allow myself to roam in at the same time.

When do you really define someone as naïve? How about someone who ignores the negatives in a person, to only see the bright side and the positive attributes of another? Being naïve and ignorant kind of fall hand in hand, and so one might use both phrases to label this situation. If you chose to view people in a different light because you wanted to see them differently than the rest of the world, would you be looked at as being courageous and open-minded or would you be a blind-sighted nitwit who can’t see people for what they really are? Again, the lines which separate the boundaries have seemed to be thinned out into a centimeter less than a hair follicle.

Case being, everything is subjective. Everything. Just depending on your own biases, your own outlooks, your own morals, and your own life experiences, will determine how you view, label, and define things.

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I hate the term “I like you.” It’s so childish and to me, doesn’t truly convey the hardcore, raw emotions that can flow through our beings when we’re intoxicated by someone. There seems to be no in-betweens though. I don’t want to say “I love you” so loosely, especially if I’m not in love, but what about that area before “love”, but after “like.” When you’ve taken things slow to get to know a person and take an interest in their interests. When you start seeing similarities in your senses of humor and you start realizing what makes that person tick. That stage when you start spending more time together and you enjoy every second of their presence. To say that you “like” this person is a little demeaning to me. It doesn’t do any of it justice.

Regardless, though, I guess none of that matters unless it’s mutual. When things are mutual, when two people have the same feelings, that’s when things can easily and quickly be defined and the simplicity of attraction overrules all. When things are one-sided, that’s when it shouldn’t matter what took place. What was felt and what really didn’t exist in the first place don’t need further explanation. Right?

What happens after one person opens up and becomes vulnerable? When one person just says “Fuck It” and spills out his/her insides to only learn that they made the same mistake that they’ve already made time and time again, the mistake of seeing what is not there. This person is supposed to just magically move on. Distractions are a key role in the next step of getting over someone. You wait, patiently for a distraction to whisk you away from being EMO.

THE STORY OF MY LIFE.

I’m trying to live life as if everything is fine. Nothing has changed. Friendship is great. I’m not hurting. I smile. I laugh. I pretend. Is this healthy or natural? What am I doing? Am I supposed to just be hopeful that it’s going to get better or am I being naïve all over again.

I remember talking to a friend not too long ago, and I was asked why I was still spending so much time with him if nothing was to happen in that sense. “It just seems like you’re still hoping for something…”

“I’m not hoping for anything,” I replied.

Truth be told, I’m not sure of what I’m doing anymore. I’m confused more than ever at this point. I’ve never felt so naïve and overly hopeful ever before. Can’t the line that separates the two become just a little bit thicker so I know where the boundaries are? I just want to know what exist and what is acceptable as I continue to tip-toe back and forth over the dividing line

originally posted: march 31, 2009


It’s funny how when you’re stuck in one state, you constantly crave the opposite. Examples of this are all around us: A tall person who wants to be short. A shy person who wants to be outgoing. A pierced, rocker chick who wants nothing more than to sing on Broadway. Okay, maybe the last one was a little off, but it still works. Nonetheless, they are all a mix of positives to negatives and vise-versa, all wishing for the other to magically happen. For me, it’s a tad different. You see, at this temporary lapse of judgment, at this current point, I’m craving simplicity. Simplicity of the heart, of the brain, and of the emotions. To delve more into this issue, what I want is to not (emphasis on the NOT) have someone play with my heart, to not take up so many thoughts in my brain, and to not make my emotions so topsy-turvy.

It’s crazy how one little altered factor in your life completely changes your outlook on the world. Even if practically everything in your mundane life is the exactly the same, change one thing or add a new element to the mix, and the chemical reactions that take place burn your insides. When all you have is your friends and family, life is pretty simple, but when you start liking someone, even though everything with your friends and family is the same, it all still feels completely different. When you don’t have any romantic interests, all you do is want one, and then suddenly, when one arrives, you get too into it and find yourself wanting out.

I’m not exactly at that point of wanting out just yet. Gaining clarity would really solidify my perspective. Bringing things out in the open, discussing the truth, and really being upfront and genuine would set things in stone. For me, though, it’s fear that keeps me from sanity. It’s fear that keeps me from answers. It’s fear that keeps me buried alive with no air holes. I’m stuck. I think that each day that passes, just maybe, I will have acquired more of the knowledge that I seek to better understand the situation I’m in, but just the opposite arrives at my door. The more time that ticks away, the more I find myself lost within this deja-vu reality of chasing pavements.

There’s so much on my plate, when I’m already full. Reluctantly, I use my fork to poke around the edges and stir up my appetite, but my stomach isn’t groaning. Instead, my brain and heart are groaning together a duet of confusion. My stomach doesn’t want anymore and it’s ready to vomit all the insecurities and truths out all over the dining table, an act which will ruin dinner for everyone else.

At this point, I would love to use my past to help determine my future, but looking back on that, I’ve had a lot of cases where I saw what I wanted to see. I created things that weren’t there, I put meaning behind things that had other definitions, I remained overly hopeful only to be completely wrong in the end. Stupid little eyes that see what they want to see. My vision is blurry. That’s where the fear resonates because I’m not sure of what is before me. I don’t want to be let down anymore. I’m exhausted from being blind and I’m realizing that the hopeless in “hopeless romantic” can easily be replaced with foolish.