soundtrack:
“stellar”, “drive”, “pardon me”, “wish you were here” by incubus
“take it easy” by surfer blood

sometimes i feel like i don’t recognize my own reflection.
i’ll be standing in front of the medicine cabinet mirror, just staring at myself, having to remind myself that it’s me right there.

i tend to overthink things.
as much as i try to apply the “go with the flow” attitude, it’s quite difficult for me to do just that. i’m always trying to find out meanings, the reasons behind things, as i attempt to make sense of the world around me.

i don’t know why i can’t just live my life and be cool with how things are.
i always try to manipulate situations instead of just let them play out.
i guess that’s why i don’t see myself in the mirror at times.
because to me, the person in my reflection is not entirely in control of his life, and that extremely bothers me.
i know you can’t always control things, i just have to remind myself of that over and over again.

“we accept the love we think we deserve” the perks of being a wallflower
this quote is pretty much true, and it saddens me as i apply it to my reality.
if i accept my current situation, is it true that i believe that it’s what i deserve?
i don’t know how i feel about that.

it’s been about two weeks since the last time i’ve gone “out.”
out meaning the last time that i’ve gone to a bar/club.
if you know me, you know that 2 weeks is pretty much equivalent to 2 months considering the fact that i usually go out 1 or 2 times a week.

it’s funny to me to admit that, but i honestly feel like i could continue this trend and stray from the nightlife scene for a while longer. i don’t think i’ve played it out or anything. i’m not getting “too old” for it, but lately, i’ve been thinking to myself “what’s the point?”

especially since vegas a couple weeks ago, i’ve been wondering just that. sure, it’s fun to go out, but sometimes we all have deliberate motives and want to use alcohol as an excuse to be a whore, yet under sober circumstances, people would scold the same exact actions that alcohol totally deemed acceptable.

sure, i usually want to go out just to meet people, socialize, and dance, but in reality, being drunk in a dark bar is not an idealistic setting to meet a boyfriend, at least not for myself. i would cringe at telling people about how we met, doing anything to avoid that question, only dripping with shame when i hesistantly tell that story of me, being a sloppy mess, ultimately making out with someone i didn’t know and trading #s, and posing this as a tear jerking background story on an episode of TLC’s “Our Wedding Story.”

i’ve been at odds with the whole “blame it on the alcohol” attitude and having that be the excuse why someone did something hurtful, or that being the reason why someone was overly emotional over something that didn’t even matter, or what if in reality it all somehow totally mattered, but the alcohol just made everyone not care. the lines between what is right and wrong are as blurred as your vision when you’re f—-ed up.

funny, even after writing all this, i think i’m going out this weekend. IRONY at it’s best i suppose. not. HAHA.

i guess i must end this by taking an excerpt out of a previously unpublished blog that sort of dealt with the same issue.

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[the following in an excerpt from a blog titled “what’s to be proud of?”]

…There are many attributes of typical (don’t hate me for saying typical. I’m not stereotyping, I’m only stating what I’ve been surrounded with for so many years) gay life that I will never come to understand or come to terms with.

The biggest thing that I’ve come to realize is this unnecessary need for competition amongst gay guys. No matter who you are, even best of friends, guys suddenly have urges to race for the same guy’s attention, as if having someone’s attention was the grandest of all prizes to be won. Guys will not stop at anything to conquer these trophy boys as if having self-proclaimed bragging rights makes you a better person, which it totally does not. It just makes you look like an uncharismatic hoe.

What happened to chivalry? Respect? The overall care of a friend’s feelings or wellbeing? It seems that these traits have disintegrated into an oblivion of no return. What’s to be proud of? I refuse to be proud of backstabbers, liars, and cheaters. I refuse to take comfort in knowing that guys are willing to ruin deep, meaningful friendships over booty calls and meaningless frivolity. What happened to true monogamy? All I see is this sick and twisted version that has opened up the still fresh wounds of the gay community.

The tough thing is that as a community, we already experience a lack of dignity and self-worth, as so as a single individual; we fill in the empty voids with engaging in shameful activities and endless one night occurrences that only make us become more lonely.

Memories are bittersweet.
Sweet because they can bring warmth and smiles and instantly take you back to a great time in your life.
Bitter because sometimes they can make you realize how much you miss the past.
Either way, reminiscing is sometimes pointless, heart wrenching, even necessary at times.

I recently rummaged through my old room at my parents’ house.
I opened my old mirrored sliding closet doors.
I split apart the canopy of clothes that hid away my old life.
There they were, untouched as if in a time machine, shoe boxes from nearly a decade ago.
I pulled them from their nest and carried them out proudly as if they were buried treasure.

Mementos and old photographs are sometimes so strange to handle.
You scan them through and slowly process the memories that begin flooding your brain.
It’s like you’re in a strangely familiar museum where you’re viewing items that once had a story of their own, but now, oblivious to the present, remain forgotten and vacant.
Only to be hit with this flash of yesterday and yesteryear and somehow become lost in the chaos of mega nostalgia.

[now playing: “dreams” - fleetwood mac]

did you know it is said that you have a dream every single night?
most of the time we don’t remember them.
what about the ones that we do remember?
-what about the dreams that haunt us after we’re awake?

dreams are usually metaphors.
mere representations of disguised occurences and symbols.
never to be taken literally, but to be used as guides for understanding the truth.

last night i had a pretty emotional dream.
so emotional that it’s been on my mind almost the entire day.
the theme was completely ‘the past VS. the present’

in this dream, i’m being held by two different guys. [totally not sexual. serious. haha]

two seperate guys with different things to offer.
different traits. different kinds of love.
someone from my past keeping me within their grasp. |
another person representing the future [let’s call him potential bf] trying to make me his. then you have me, completely smashed in between, holding on to both with all my might.
suddenly, we’re transported to a train station where me and mr. past are saying goodbye to mr. potential.

he boards, steam rises into the air, and then the train disappears into the distance.
i feel saddened, but am still happy that i have mr. past with me.
i turn to him to be held securely in his arms, but he is gone.
i find myself left all alone, and as i realize this, i wake up.

i sat up and tried to comprehend what had just played out.
it bothered me. i didn’t know what it meant until later in the day.
it’s clear to see the message. you can’t have your future without letting go of your past. you can’t reach your full potential until you completely free yourself.
and lastly, you can hold on to your past for as long as you want, but still, in the end, you’re left with nothing.
the past can’t hold you. the past can’t give you reassurance.
the past can’t physically be there for you.
ultimately, only the future can give you those arms of safety that you so desperately seek.

when do you become too old to “like” someone?

is there a certain age you hit when a switch goes off, and you’re no longer allowed to venture off into THAT territory?

recently, a friend asked me “when was the last time you liked someone?”

at first, the question sounded funny to me, i was instantly reminded of all the people i had “LIKED” throughout elementary to high school.

but then i really thought about it and i answered with “ummm, like 2 years ago?”

and it really sunk in, it had really been that long. WTF is that about?!!!!

i mean, sure, in 2 years time, i’ve had several people who’ve intrigued me. a few people here and there who i was infatuated with, but nothing more than a couple weeks at the most. and most of them were solely based off of physical attraction or mere admiration of their visual hotness. nothing to do with their personalities or having deep, meaningful conversations about past struggles and overcoming obstacles. it was merely “WOW. YOU’RE CUTE. I LIKE YOU.” hahaha nothing big enough or powerful enough to act upon, attempt at, or obsess over. simply nothing at all.

i guess one of the reasons for the giant gap is that my guards are so high up, that i don’t let ANYONE close, thus no one who gets to know me and vise-versa. that’s what happens when you have a shitty past that haunts you, and for me, i still feel very haunted about all the bad and terrible things my love life has endured since the years of my teenage youth. i’ve been through so much, half of me questions how much i’m willing to risk to be vulnerable and allow myself to get close to someone.

i also think of the last couple of guys that i really liked. i didn’t like the person i was when i liked them. i was extremely emotional, completely depressed for no reason, always thinking about them and feeling completely stuck. i also felt like i had put in a lot of time and energy into allowing things to blossom, only to become face to face with a dead and frail black rose. too many thorns in my past to make holding flowers an easy task. too many pricks, haha.

i’ve been single for so long, i don’t even know how i’d be in that state anymore. it’s not like i’m a new goldfish and you just have to let me chill in the bag and acclimate to the tank’s temperatue.

the funny thing is, i’m still a hugehopeless romantic. i still feel like i have so much love to give. but don’t get me wrong, it’s not like i’ve lost all hope in finding romance, i think my problem is, i’m just way too damn comfortable being single.

now being the very single guy that i am while being surrounded by people in relationships everywhere, i’ve seen and realized several things that…

 i will NOT do when the time comes for me to actually be in a relationship:
-spend every single second with my boyfriend
-irritate everyone and their mama by talking about my boyfriend (in person, or worse… ONLINE!)
-tag my boyfriend in every one of my fb statuses or check-ins
-etc.

meanwhile, i still have yet to overcome my shyness. even with the extent of my social life and the hundreds of times i’ve partied at gay social events and bars, the biggest barrier i have yet to overcome is simply my lack of communication skills when it comes to meeting guys.

-i guess it is pretty damn hard to meet/talk to a guy if:
-i’m looking at the floor
-i’m looking at everyone except him on purpose
-i don’t know how to continue a conversation
-i don’t know how to START a converstation
-i’m unable to move my mouth and make words come out when a guy speaks to me

i’m not getting any younger, but, at the same time, i still have so much time to go. only time can tell when my love life will finally reach a brand new chapter. i guess i just gotta take the words “single” and change it to “mingle” so that i may at some point, learn how to effectively flirt. i’m just afraid that i may be TOO single to mingle :/

so as many of you know, i left my job of 8 years to venture off into the world of visual merchandising.

being at forever 21 for the past 2.5 months, so far, has been very rewarding. for the most part, each day i leave the store feeling accomplished and proud of what i got done. either laying out specific items and watching them sell, to my love of mannequins. i’ve met a few really cool people too. for the past 2.5 months i’ve loved 99% of my job… but lately, my love has dissolved and i’ve been left feeling very irritated.

people think that it’s an easy job, that all i do all day long is “play with clothes,” when in reality, everyday is a constant race against time. each day is full of dead lines. start times, end times, not meeting goals, and running around. when something is disarray in the store, the first people to be blame are the members of the visual crew, and it’s a constant battle of having to defend yourself against something that you didn’t do. for a time it was like store management vs. visual crew and no matter what we did, we were going to be on the losing end. still, at the end of the day, us visuals had each other’s backs and tomorrow would be a new day.

but what happens when you’re put up against people on your own team? that’s how i’ve felt the past week. lately, i’ve been going home feeling picked on and targeted. the epitome of a scapegoat. people creating these illusions of me as a bad employee, a slow employee… someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing, someone who needs constant retraining and coaching. WTF?! that’s not me. i don’t feel that i’m cocky when i say that i’m a fucking great employee! i mean, i actually care about my work, and i care about details. i work my ass off, and suddenly, for a few people to mis-judge me and criticize my every move is not fair. i feel as if i’m the only one being talked to and being talked about, and yet i’m a grown up and i brush it off my shoulder when i overhear my superiors joking about my pace and time goals in a mocking tone of voice. FUCK YOU.

thank god i have the next couple of days off. i need seperation. i’ve been trying to tell myself that everyone is simply cranky because of all the graveyard shifts we’ve been putting in, but when it’s still going on… even after everyone got a full day’s rest, that’s when enough is enough and my mouth opens. come monday morning, i fully plan on confronting a couple superiors and getting this out because it’s too early for me to have such resentment at a new job. i just have to remind myself of the fact that… yes indeed… tomorrow will be a new day.

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 on a happier note, derek tjon’s birthday just passed a couple days ago.

*instead of writing about him, i find it easier and more comforting to put it in letter form.

 dear derek, 

happy birthday bud :] i miss you so much, there’s not a day that i don’t think about you. i hope that you’ve found your place in paradise and most importantly, that you’re happy. 

your sister left you a comment that made me teary eyed. she said that you came to her in a recent dream. in the dream you had a tattoo on your left arm (was it like my tattoo for you? haha) and you said that you wanted to spend your birthday at “edsel’s place.” i wish that you could have physically been there when we lit the candles for you. i wish that you could have blown them out and had your usual questioning smirk afterwards while you thought of your wish, ending it all with a little  laugh :P

so i hope you were there in spirit as we celebrated your birthday, even though you would have said something like “are you going to be at the party?” me: “duh. of course.” and you would say “okay, i’m not going to go” cuz you’re such an asshole like that haha :P

anywho, it’s been a while since you’ve appeared in my dreams. when’s the next time, huh? i look forward to it.

i sent a christmas card to your parents. i didn’t get to send them one last year and that bugged me, so i was very adamant about getting one sent this year. it was nice to see that literally a couple days later, i received one from your dad. i love your dad. he’s a really gentle soul with a good heart(like you), and he loves you just as much as we do. i hope you know that.

i wanna get another tattoo to continue your memory, but i don’t know what. something simple. i wish you said more compelling quotes or something haha, alas, i’lll just get tatted with the words “cool like a snowman” on my forearm. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA JK

again, happy birthday derek. i miss and love you <3 <3 <3

-Edsel

happy holidays everyone :)

i know christmas is about togetherness, family, and jesus christ, but still… i thought i’d put together a list of things that i would like for christmas. again, not that i’m expecting any of you to buy me a gift (hahaha), but a lot of people have been asking others what i want, so i thought i’d just make it easier for them.

Random Information About Me:

Shirt / Jacket size: Medium

Forever 21 / Heritage 1981 Size (because their shit runs small!): Large

Shoe Size: 10

Favorite Colors: Blue (any shade except baby blue), Black, Grey

merry christmas <3

Note / Warning: This is probably the gayest wish list everrrrr. The end. Hahaha.

-Forever 21 / Heritage 1981 Gift Cards: you can never go wrong with this. i need to purchase a ton of clothes for my new job, and this will definitely help

-GLEE, Season 1, Volume 2: so i already have season 1, volume 1, so don’t get the combined pack of season 1. i didn’t know that they would make an edition with both, so my ass bought volume 1 already.

-Mermaids DVD: if you can find this, you’re dope! i absolutely love this movie with cher, winona ryder, and christina ricci. ahhhh. i love it :)

-iTunes gift cards: you all know how much i use iTunes, seriously. lol.

-Queer As Folk, Season 1: i already have Seasons 2-5, this is the only one i’m missing.

-Moulin Rouge DVD: ya’ll know how much i love musicals, yet weirdly, i don’t have this one.

-VANS Canvas Zapato Del Barco Shoes: color black, size 10

-Small Man Bags: not too big, but not too small. i need new murseshaha ;)

-The Sound of Music DVD: “The hills are alive with the sound of music…” haha yes!

-Rent Money: Seriously. You already know. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

-Tattoos: Do tattoo places have gift certificates? That’d be dope :P

jesusx1:

tlbb:

mykicks:

amberofthismoment:

splashmeadouble:

mrgolightly:

pickupthatamulet:

wilkesbo0th:

wallscroll:

rhys-davies:

wincestiscanon:

Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets

Girl, Interrupted.

love actually

Heat

The 40 Year Old Virgin

American Beauty

Get Shorty 

Quantum of Solace

Toy Story.

Harold and Maude

jaws…. jk rush hour -_-

(via jesusx1)

i finally got myself to watch MILK last night.

it had been sitting on my dvd shelf for god knows how long, my bad.

“…you can’t live on hope alone, but without hope… life would not be worth living” - harvey milk

the media has been covering gay issues quite frequently and all this attention on gay issues has really gotten me thinking over the past few days. from stories about the rulings on DADT (don’t ask don’t tell), to the ongoing struggles with overturning PROP 8, to the recent suicides of gay teenagers across america, and even on the latest installment of glee.

one of my daily routines is to check the local newspaper site and read about local current events. i always shift my vision to the right and look at the most viewed articles. article #3 happened to be a what/where/when article for the upcoming gay event at six flags this saturday. i wanted to see how they were hyping it up, but i was too focused on the link that said (10 comments posted). i paused for a second because i knew what i was about to read, stupid bullshit that was only going to upset me, but i clicked anyways.

comment after comment about how stupid six flags must be to give the gays their own day. “how dare they celebrate those ‘animals’ “ one comment read. the one that put the cherry on top was a comment that compared homosexuals to pedophiles and to those who engage in bestiality… sexual deviants who should burn in hell. another comment that read “hooray for six flags’ sodomy day”

i exited the page and sat motionless for a while. quite frankly, it wasn’t so much the text itself because i’ve actually read a lot worse. i was more so bothered by the overall intolerance that still exists amongst us. i mean sure, i wasn’t surprised or anything, but i was still bothered by it all. i mean, of course people in this area of the bay were going to write such heinous things, solano county being the only county in the bay area to have the majority vote for YES on prop 8.

it made me think about my friends. it made me think about my family. co-workers, everyone. i mean sure, everyone knows i’m gay, and to my face… everyone’s cool with it to a certain extent. but how much can i openly live my life before my sexuality becomes an issue, a burden, a problem, an irritation. for example, sure… i’m allowed to be “cute” gayin terms of decorating for the holidays, getting excited over interior design, or picking out what people should wear. “cute” gay is acceptable. it’s like that’s the only times when it’s okay to be gay. but what about thesexuality part of homosexuality.

i started thinking about relationships. the differences between how easy it is to be a straight couple compared to a gay one. for example: what about when i get a boyfriend. is it going to be awkward if i invite him to parties? will ppl have to lie and say that he’s just a “friend.” when i bring him out with friends, will everyone be embarrassed if the two of us were to hold hands or sneak in an innocent kiss in public. is that a time for everyone to be ashamed that they brought me along. is that when my straight guy friends will pretend that they don’t know me?

i started thinking about the whole picture. i started thinking about the future. people tell me all the time that they have my support. how much support do i really have? it’s not just about showing support. anyone can “show” support, but not everyone can GIVE support. it’s not just about supporting the ONE gay friend that you have… but more so, supporting the ENTIRE CAUSE, not just .00001% of it. honestly, people want to talk about how gay marriage is okay and shouldn’t be an issue, but how many of those people actually went out on election day exactly 2 years ago and GAVE SUPPORT, obviously not enough! Shouting “No on Prop 8” simply isn’t enough. Wearing a button or slapping on a bumper sticker will not suffice. it takes more… needs more action!

only now when gay youth start taking their own lives do people want to actually start taking a stand. but honestly in my opinion, not enough is happening.

i remember not too long ago busting out my old journal that i used to keep back in high school. it was weird to see how depressed i was, how hurt i was, how close to the edge i was. several entries about suicide. several. it brought me back, way back. i was in a really dark place at the time. i remember being 15 or 16. my dad and i had gotten into a really bad fight about me being gay. stupid words were exchanged, awful names were yelled and i almost lost it. i ran outside with a kitchen knife. i walked to the bench my dad had built and contemplated my next move. i was just sitting there in the front of the house, holding this knife in my hand. i kept on lightly pressing it again the veins of my wrist, lightly enough to create soft white lines, but not enough to break any skin. i just sat there, in complete isolation in the open, tickling my veins with this damn kitchen knife. i sat there crying for a good half hour with weapon in hand feeling so incredibly sorry for myself.

i couldn’t bare to do anything further. i knew doing more wouldn’t have solved anything. i decided to breath deep and hope for a better tomorrow. it’s crazy how much i’ve changed since then. i’ve grown so much since then. i’ve learned so much about myself since then. and thankfully i had enough courage to put away that knife and give myself time to grow and learn. i wish more people could say the same. i wish more people didn’t have to give in like that. i wish more people would give themselves more time to grow and learn. i wish more people would give others more time to grow and learn.

sure, since Harvey Milk’s time in the 70’s, things are a lot different and being gay is a lot more welcome, but also in several ways, not much has changed.

i’m not sure what will happen in the near future, but i can only hope for more hope. i can only continue to hope for a better tomorrow. i can only hope that hearts will start opening, brains will start opening, and people will start realizing that the things that they say to others can indeed affect their actions. people need to realize that even though sticks and stones may cause damage, the emotional damage that words can create can be far more severe.

we all need to realize that love is love. no matter who is giving it or who receives it, love in any way, shape or form will ease all pain and will make the world a better place. this is what we need to hope for. that is what harvey milk hoped for. this is what i hope for…

It’s finally a new year and for most people, this is a time of new years resolutions, giving up new years resolutions a few days later, starting off from scratch, etc etc etc.

It was interesting to see an article on YAHOO that discussed the top resolutions and how only 34% of Americans actually stick with those resolutions until the next new year. The TOP 3 being: 1) Lose Weight 2) Stop/Reduce smoking and 3) Exercise more. It was especially interesting since those had been my 3 goals for 2010. All three are completely obtainable and reasonable goals as i would love to be optimistic about how far along i am in the next few months.

I’m sure that 99.9% of the human population would love to change something about their appearance. I would love to miraculously grow and extra 3 or 4 inches, but at the tender age of 23, my growth spurt is dead and gone along with my attraction to women. Since growing or getting surgery to lengthen my legs are both out of the question, the next thing i would want is to lose 30 lbs.

I remember last year, hanging up a “skinny” picture of myself in a place i’d see it everyday. I thought this would be an inspiration, but alas, it was only a mean and bitter reminder of how i let myself go after high school graduation. It wasn’t a “YOU CAN DO IT!”, but more like a “WTF happened to you?” Needless to say, i would love to get back to my former cross-country/swimmer self, but having that motivation to run 12+ miles a week and swallow enough chlorine during practice that i could just vomit and instantly bleach my load of whites is a very hard task. Regardless, I hope to cardio my ass off and slowly but surely start minusing those lbs.

Don’t get me started on smoking. It all began with HOOKAH. Friends and visits to the hookah bar. Friends encouraging to buy my very own hookah (don’t get me wrong, i totally wanted one). Then liking someone who smoked often. That one right there was the devil whispering in my ear. One of the most cliche thoughts about cigarettes is that so many people do it to look cool, when in reality, it so often turns out to be true! I’ve always been an anti-smoker and had several speeches in line for why it was such a turn off. Fast forward to me trying flavored mini-cigars AKA PRIME TIMES (which in reality are just tasty cigarettes with less chemicals).

Fast forward to me completely vacating the flavored one and moving straight to menthols. I never believed people when they said cigarettes helped “soothe” you. I thought it was complete and utter bullshit when people resorted to smoking due to overworking and other stress related subjects. Sadly, though, i joined the troups and heavily agreed with these statements and even spoke them aloud a couple times. Hypocrisy? Bad and reckless judgement? Maybe, but in the end, I don’t have an addictive personality and can happily say I can go without them. (Plus, I remember seeing in 9th grade health class what lungs destroyed by tobacco tar look like… it’s not pretty)

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With that said about the top 3 resolutions for the new year, what about some other top resoultions? Be happy, fall in love, save money and buy a house, go to church more often, work less, cook at home instead of eating out, meet new people, make new friends outside of my inner circle, and how about do something grand and special for my parents. Good and easily reachable goals if i do say so myself.

I’ll end this by going outside and having a stog break. JK JK. haha.